Love & Obligation

My grandmother was an awesome woman. Up at daybreak. Coffee on the stove by 7:00. Hot breakfast ready by 8:00...8:30 when she was running late. Lunch ready by or before noon, with dinner preparations right on its heels and ready to be served by 3:30. Somewhere in the midst of that flawless performance, the sofa was neatly covered and tucked finished off with the butterknife method. Floors and porches were swept, bathrooms never smelled of anything but the most potent of cleaners, and the bedrooms could pass a five star hotel inspection complete with moth balls beneath the mattress and bed. Oh yeah and the clothes were washed, hung, and sometimes ironed by noon. I watched this flawless performance for years. I could almost guess what she was doing before I went to see her. Maybe I should've been walking over there with pad and pen in hand to take notes on what good wives should look like...perhaps my home wouldn't look like the rubble after a typhoon some days, my kids may be a bit more disciplined, and my husband may have more made-from-scratch meals...or just more meals.

Now, as I'm deep in the throws of a life that sometimes seems more impossible than possible - bumps, bruises, earaches, tummy aches, hurt feelings, doctors appointments, football practice, football games, homework, preschool, cleaning, laundry, cooking, money, yada, yada, yada - I realize that my grandmother's notes would've prepared me well for a test on duty, discipline, and obligation. But when I usher my husband off to work with a pat on the butt as he steps over unfold laundry, and when I sometimes rock my children to sleep instead of putting them to bed like proper parents, or when I scour five gift stores in hot pursuit of a friend's birthday gift that won't be delivered in time because I wanted it to be 101% right for her, obligation is not my driving force. Love has taken the wheel.

God, I believe, didn't send His Son out of obligation to me. He didn't wake up one day and sift through his list of duties to find my name and scratch me off his check list like a task. He owed me nothing. I deserved even less. But love ushered Him to do something great for me. So what about love and obligation? Are they one in the same? Does one necessitate the other? I started thinking....

• Obligation makes me deliver food to the hungry. But love makes me inquire about their lives, give a hi-five to the children, and call a month later to see if I can help in any other way.

• Obligation makes me give a cup of cocoa to the man under the bridge. A good deed a day keeps the guilt away. But love makes me wonder if he ever had the good life, if he lost his family, if he ever dreamed dreams. Love makes me look for him again.
  

• Obligation can make me go to work and teach children, but love makes me pray for them, call them, remember their birthdays, and congratulate their milestones. Love makes me kneel down to their eye level and tell them that they can achieve what seems utterly impossible.

• Obligation makes me send a card or a flower for your birthday. But loves makes me clear my calendar to celebrate your existence in a deep and personal way. Maybe I'll write you a letter or ask you about your goals and aspirations for the upcoming year. Or maybe I'll pay you a quick visit to tell you all the reasons I'm honored to be your friend.
  

• Obligation makes me robotic, calculating, logical. I've learned that you can feed the homeless, attend church every Sunday, organize a global humanitarian effort and still walk away unaffected, untouched, unchanged. Love makes me vulnerable, open, and connected.
  

• Obligation is easily offended when not appreciated, often laced with comments like: "You know I didn't have to ..." or "You better be glad I..." Love doesn't require such recognition. It finds a warm and fuzzy comfort in merely performing an act of kindness and feels thankful to be able to do such...expecting nothing in return.

Obligatory actions callous personalities. Take extra precaution around people who are kind to you for the wrong reason. In times of tension, they usually won't hesitate to inform you of all the times they helped you...why...because obligation keeps a record of it's good deeds, but love covers even a multitude of sin and keeps no record of wrongdoing.

As for my grandmother, I can't shake a stick at her work. I'm not even sure they make'em like her anymore. She'd run a dozen circles around me within an hour. I can just see myself trying to master yesterday's breakfast while she's already preparing tomorrow's dinner. I could just see my score on the neon scoreboard reading something like "INADEQUATE," "FAILED," or better yet, "YOU LOSE." But I think of the inkling of bitterness that I heard in her voice every now and then, and the piercing glare that she gave my grandfather some days, and a union seemingly void of emotion and affection, I can't help but wonder if she was anchored by love or chained by duty.

What's my point? Monitor your heart. See what's driving you. Love will make you do, but doing doesn't mean that you love. Love carries the sentiment of obligation and commitment, but obligation and commitment doesn't necessarily equate love. Again monitor your heart.