How to Ruin Your Kid for Life

Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs one could ever dream of. Here we have these sweet little people to nurture and guide into adulthood, where they will hopefully and prayerfully contribute to society some positive ways. Easier said than done, right? And even though it can be a rocky road, it is also filled with so many opportunities to help change the world right in the comfort of your own home. That doesn't stress you out at all I'm sure. But just as easily, unfortunately, we can also place the parenting role too far down on the priority list and consequently rock the world clean off of its axis by repeatedly making poor parental choices and then allowing our unadvised, under disciplined, and ungrateful children to enter the outside world.

Since becoming a parent about four years ago, I'm the first to admit that parenting is not for the faint of heart. I like to think that I've made some good choices here and there, but, of course, I've made mistakes too. And although all of us will indeed have bumps in the parenting road, it's important to pause and think about what type of children our parenting choices will yield. For instance, if you never intervene when your little one is relentlessly bossy to her friends, how might this affect her later? Or if I continue to allow my three year old to interrupt when I'm talking to her father, how might this behavior look when she has reached adolescence? In a world that tells us to cater to our children's desires, make them feel good at all costs, and never hurt their feelings, many parents live with a grave misconception that these ideals will somehow create successful adults.  Allow author and mother, Tricia Goyer, to give you another perspective...

How to Ruin Your Kid for Life - FamilyLife.com

Purposeful Pain - Part I

"Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: 

and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit."

                                                                                                                                                                             ~ John 15:2

When we first moved to this house, it was just Kinnard and me...yep just the two of us.  (I'm really struggling at this point to not abandon the purpose of this post and just reminisce on how life used to be...you know - before the you-know-whats came along).  We had a clean, beautiful, and spacious home that we were infinitely proud of and quickly fell into our stereotypical gender roles - I took care of the inside (for the most part), and the great outdoors was all his.  Yea, I knew how to crank a weed eater and trim hedges, but my newly wedded husband was more than glad to handle the "man's" work.  Ahhh...the bliss!  

Although, he did his outdoor chores well enough, there was one little rule that I strictly enforced - "Don't touch the roses!"  Doing so was punishable to the fullest extent of the law.  Why?  Because I loved those roses.  They kind of symbolized the icing on my homeowner cake, because I felt like the queen of the castle should have a knack for tending to these most beautiful of flowers.  And who knows what would have become of them if I'd turned their care over to Edward Scissorhands?

At any rate, I quickly realized that I had a green thumb, albeit lime, it was still green and proud of it I was.  I'd learned a thing or two from my mom who requested my help with her beautiful blooms when I was a teen.  Needless to say they weren't so beautiful to me back then, but with my own rosebush, I was obviously eager to show off what I'd learned.  

The roses were pink with yellow centers, and if you happened to be anywhere nearby, you didn't have to get really close to get a whiff of their tantalizing perfume.  The month of October was already upon us, but November showed no signs of freezing, so they bloomed for several weeks after we had moved in.  When it finally started to show the dreary signs of winter, I was prepared. With clean, sharp gardening shears in tow, I set out one day to prune my sweet roses for our first winter.  I clipped away, getting rid of all the blooms that had managed to hang on, eradicate the pale, weakened branches, remove part of the growth from the previous blooming season, and remember to cut at a 45 degree angle.  Yeah, I knew what I was doing.  

It wasn't a harsh winter that year, so I didn't worry about covering the now lifeless looking stalks that were left.  I glanced at the remains and smiled to myself as I tucked away my shears because I knew their secret.  I knew that even though they looked hopeless, they were more alive then ever before.  And the following spring, they showed me just how alive they were. 

  

Reconciling With God

Repent and turn from all your transgressions, so iniquity will not be your ruin.  Cast away from you all your transgressions, by which you have transgressed; and get a new heart and a new spirit...

~ Ezekiel 18:30-32

Anyone who knows my daughters Phoenix (3) and Journey (2) can probably tell you a funny story about something they've done.   Usually they don't hold back their noteworthy personalities.  We, their parents, aren't even spared their pint-sized wrath.  On a daily basis we see everything from dancing in diapers on the coffee table, playing dress up with ALL the clothes, writing all over Kylen's homework, and having a full out brawl over jumbo Lego blocks.  And as you can imagine, someone is always in trouble...big trouble.

A few days ago, I was upset with them over one of their many shenanigans. I walked to another room, but I noticed how quiet they were.  They knew that they were in big trouble, and I wanted to let it marinate a little.  Finally they both walk in with very solemn faces, but they remain quiet.  But when the silence was too much to bear, Phoenix softly asks, "Mommy, are you mad at us?"  I didn't respond, and she repeats the question.  Finally I say, "Well, I am a little upset because you two were not being very nice.  They walk away with remorse written all over their sweet little faces, and even though I knew it was temporary remorse, I had to smile.  A few minutes later, Phoenix returns and says, "Mommy, are you happy now?"

She really couldn't feel comfortable knowing that I was still upset.  Despite the fact that they write all over their beds with markers.  Despite the fact that they play in the closet when they should be sleeping.   Despite the fact that they spend most of their day behaving like Tom and Jerry.   If they think I'm upset, they are restless until they know that I'm okay again.  They want to know that they are still loved.  They want to know that all is well again.

Shouldn't we be that way with God?  When we know that we've done wrong, shouldn't we be so remorseful that we can't even sleep until we get it right?  Shouldn't we grapple for His affection and anxiously crave a renewed relationship.  We should pace the floor and wonder what He's thinking.  Is He mad?  Is He happy now?  Does He still love me?  The agony we should feel when we offend our Savior!

Repentence and reconciliation with God is no small thing.  We can't passively repent.  It must be fervent effort and we should have a burning desire to right our wrongs as quickly as possible.  He's forgiving and loving, but He also knows if we are truly remorseful.  Today I'm asking for a renewed spirit...one that prompts me to urgently renew my relationship with Christ.

Jaded Tapestry

God, I'm so broken and You're so complete.  Make me more like You.  I'm so fragmented and scattered, but You're so well put together...just the way that I want to be.  I'm so inadequate and You're so perfect.  So I'm following You in hopes that I can possibly, just maybe, become a little more like You. 

I really want to be something - something beautiful.  Not beautiful by man's standards, but pretty in your sight.  I know that when You put my pieces into Your loom it's going to be painful, all that pulling and tugging.  And I might cry.  But just keep weaving.  Keep tightening me up and making knots when necessary.  Keep pulling me together until I become something whole - something that can be utilized to bless someone else. 

And, please God, while You're weaving me into something fit for Your presence, make some interesting patterns.  I like patterns.  Create some patterns of good behavior, patterns of kindness, and forgiveness.  Patterns of servitude.  You know...be creative.  I've read about some of Your work, and I see a lot of Your arts and crafts all around me.  I know that You are a Master of Your craft, so I know that I'm safe in Your hands.  I'm pleading to You, Lord, just make me Your next project.

Self Change

For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: for he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.  

~ James 1: 22-24

Wow. How many times have we tried to initiate change from the outside in?  The world is treacherous, world leaders need to get it together, our spouses needs to be more this and less that, our friends need some fine-tuning, people at work need a complete personality overhaul, the children need to come to their senses, and the even the dog could stand to take a course or two at obedience school.  If we could just carry around syringes of common sense and inject people at will, or maybe just give them a piece of our mind, or maybe even create laws to combat random acts of stupidity, would that not change the world?  When concentrating our efforts on changing the world, we are often a bottomless pit of seemingly good ideas to get that job done.

But what about us?  While we sharpen our skills of fault finding, what's happening to us?  According to James, many of us look into God's word, we see that we have work to do, but we walk away and continue our lives as if what we saw was the picture of perfection.  But when it comes to the lives of others, we whip out the magnifying glass and the fine-toothed comb.  Why?  Why is it so much more appealing to insist that others change, while we allow ourselves to stay the same.

Here's a thought:  There are no psychological ramifications involved in changing another person.  Take a person, any person.  Now make a list of their failures, faults, crimes, shortcomings, etc. Shamefully, that's easy for us to do.  Now take your red rubber stamp and and apply one of the many labels that we often use: crazy, psycho, idiot, fool, etc.  Take an extra sheet and offer suggestions on how all of these faults can be corrected.  Show them how they need to change.  Now seal the document and hand it off to the respective individual.  There!  That actually felt good.  Now you can go on your way and never consider what happens afterwards. 

Now take yourself as the example and follow these steps:

1. Question all of your thoughts and actions.  Think about the things you do and then ask yourself why you do them. Scrutinize and dissect your every decision.  Your ultimate goal is to answer the question:  What is wrong with me?   Yes, essentially you are seeking your own faults.  Caution:  You may feel a bit of emotional turmoil during this initial assessment.  Resist the temptation to hurry through this process.  Be brutally honest and very frank...you know, like your are when it comes to others.
2. Look at your list and realize that you have created a list of self-truths.  This is a list of all of your undesirable traits and all of your offenses   It includes your sins of commission and omission.  Caution:  This list may include some mindless mistakes.  But some of these statements may be indicative of real character flaws.  Resist your urge to explain and or justify yourself.  Remember when you made your judgments about others they didn't have an opportunity to explain themselves.  So please be fair.
3. Hug your list tightly to your chest, close your eyes, and say this phrase aloud three times, "This is who I am."  Also, for extra credit, call up a few others and share these things that are on your list.  You know...like we often do when others commit little offenses.  Caution:  This is hard to do.  It may even make you cry when you realize that all these fault-filled fragments make up who you really are. This part of the process takes a lot of courage...courage that you may or may not have.
4. Ask yourself if you want to remain the way you are, or if you could stand to make some changes.  If indeed you feel that you need to change, make a list of suggestions for how your faults can be corrected.  This is your action plan.  Caution:  This is where many people experience a hiccup.  Now that you have realized your need for change, resist the urge to walk away without making the necessary corrections.  All the hard work that you've done prior to this point will be in vain if you quit now.  Don't cower now; you only have one more "little" step.
5. Commit yourself to a daily regimen of implementing your action plan.  For extra credit, solicit the opinion of others on ways that you can be a better person.

Catch my drift? Who really wants to go through all of this?  Who wants to dig into their souls and find dark spots?  Is it really that deep?  Picking up stones and throwing them at others is a lot easier. Initiating change or self growth involves a grueling process that entails assessing oneself, owning up to our undesirable self-truths, desiring to change, and committing ourselves to do so.  Believe me, changing for the better is not for the faint of heart.  Cowards can't do it. 

Change rocks the very core of who we are.  Change is risky.  Change is uncomfortable. Change makes us vulnerable.  And change can really hurt.  But Christ is so eager to grant us passage through the journey.  He indeed wants us to change others, but not by our own selfish ways.  He wants us to draw near to him, glorify Him by our lifestyle, and His Spirit will draw others and invoke change.  Our way of changing others is usually fruitless and ends in our  becoming judgmental and self-righteous. 

As a final note, I found the following passage to be quite insightful.  On the tomb of a former Anglican Bishop of Westminster Abbey is inscribed a provocative message about change.  If you really want to change someone else, simply concentrate on changing yourself.

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world; as I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change my country, but it too seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those close to me. But alas, they would have none of it!

And now I realize as I lie on my death bed, if I had only changed myself, then, by example, I might have changed my family. From their aspirations and encouragement I would have been able to better my country, and who knows, I might have even changed the world.”

Palate Cleansing

When Kinnard and I were on vacation in July of 2010, one of the first stops on our road trip was Texas de Brazil in Memphis...and yeah, it was all that I'd hoped it would be. He had been singing its praises since visiting the restaurant during a business trip to Dallas in 2008, and promised to take me to one whenever we got the chance.

Luckily for me that chance came this past year. As we were being seated, the maitre d' explained that the gauchos would continue to serve their bounty of meats as long our card was turned to the green side. If we wanted them to be merciful and hold off for a while, we could simply flip the card to red. Simple enough. He also explained that if we wanted the fullness of flavor from each sample of meat, we could cleanse our palate with the fried bananas that had been prepared.

Well, the other day, Kinnard and I were having another one of our philosophical discussions (which are now few and far-between since we've been invaded by little people) and this whole palate cleansing concept came up again. I started thinking. With the onset of the new year, and the talk of resolutions and such, wouldn't this be a good time for some palate cleansing???? I don't know about anyone else, but I could probably stand palate cleansing bootcamp in many areas of my life: spirituality, relationships, career, personal goals...just peel back the onion layers from my eyes and my heart and allow things to be seen and experienced in a brand new way.

I want to open my Bible and see and feel God in a new way. Unlearning all that I know or think I know and letting Him teach me all over again. I want to see Jesus in an I-just-met-you kind of way, feeling a newfound sense of thanksgiving for all that He continues to do for me. I want to see my husband in a new way. After two pregnancies and three kids, God knows we could stand some newness. I want to feel that reckless abandonment of falling in love all over again and dating the love of my life for the first time...(I better move on to another topic, as I'm biting my lip right now ;-)

I'm cleaning my palate for new friendships/relationships. I want to open my soul to a different type of friendship...where all parties embrace and reciprocate authenticity, dialogue, life experience, and emotional well-being. I'm so done with pointless relationships on roads to nowhere, hanging on by threads of insecurity and doubt and political correctness. Friendships shouldn't feel formal. Friendship should be a safe place to be totally you. A place where we allow each other to be ourselves...then challenge each other to be a better version of ourselves. A friend's love will let you be who you are, but it won't let you stay as you are.

And those are just a few areas in which I'm getting rid of residue left over from the past. I want to taste the fullness of each life experience...good and bad, I'm challenging myself to approach it all with a newness and a freshness that could allow me to get over some humps and hurdles and ruts...get past some hurts and start afresh. I want to ball up my old sheet of paper, toss it into the trash, and get a new sheet. Press the reset button on my heart and go at life again...catch my drift?

So here's to us and a clean palate! (go ahead and lift your apple juice) May we tread the waters of 2011 filled to the brim with hope, sans the baggage. May we inspire others with our freshness. May we unplug our respirators and start to breathe a newfound energy into the lungs of our lives and walk eagerly, but gracefully into our next riveting chapter.

Love & Obligation

My grandmother was an awesome woman. Up at daybreak. Coffee on the stove by 7:00. Hot breakfast ready by 8:00...8:30 when she was running late. Lunch ready by or before noon, with dinner preparations right on its heels and ready to be served by 3:30. Somewhere in the midst of that flawless performance, the sofa was neatly covered and tucked finished off with the butterknife method. Floors and porches were swept, bathrooms never smelled of anything but the most potent of cleaners, and the bedrooms could pass a five star hotel inspection complete with moth balls beneath the mattress and bed. Oh yeah and the clothes were washed, hung, and sometimes ironed by noon. I watched this flawless performance for years. I could almost guess what she was doing before I went to see her. Maybe I should've been walking over there with pad and pen in hand to take notes on what good wives should look like...perhaps my home wouldn't look like the rubble after a typhoon some days, my kids may be a bit more disciplined, and my husband may have more made-from-scratch meals...or just more meals.

Now, as I'm deep in the throws of a life that sometimes seems more impossible than possible - bumps, bruises, earaches, tummy aches, hurt feelings, doctors appointments, football practice, football games, homework, preschool, cleaning, laundry, cooking, money, yada, yada, yada - I realize that my grandmother's notes would've prepared me well for a test on duty, discipline, and obligation. But when I usher my husband off to work with a pat on the butt as he steps over unfold laundry, and when I sometimes rock my children to sleep instead of putting them to bed like proper parents, or when I scour five gift stores in hot pursuit of a friend's birthday gift that won't be delivered in time because I wanted it to be 101% right for her, obligation is not my driving force. Love has taken the wheel.

God, I believe, didn't send His Son out of obligation to me. He didn't wake up one day and sift through his list of duties to find my name and scratch me off his check list like a task. He owed me nothing. I deserved even less. But love ushered Him to do something great for me. So what about love and obligation? Are they one in the same? Does one necessitate the other? I started thinking....

• Obligation makes me deliver food to the hungry. But love makes me inquire about their lives, give a hi-five to the children, and call a month later to see if I can help in any other way.

• Obligation makes me give a cup of cocoa to the man under the bridge. A good deed a day keeps the guilt away. But love makes me wonder if he ever had the good life, if he lost his family, if he ever dreamed dreams. Love makes me look for him again.
  

• Obligation can make me go to work and teach children, but love makes me pray for them, call them, remember their birthdays, and congratulate their milestones. Love makes me kneel down to their eye level and tell them that they can achieve what seems utterly impossible.

• Obligation makes me send a card or a flower for your birthday. But loves makes me clear my calendar to celebrate your existence in a deep and personal way. Maybe I'll write you a letter or ask you about your goals and aspirations for the upcoming year. Or maybe I'll pay you a quick visit to tell you all the reasons I'm honored to be your friend.
  

• Obligation makes me robotic, calculating, logical. I've learned that you can feed the homeless, attend church every Sunday, organize a global humanitarian effort and still walk away unaffected, untouched, unchanged. Love makes me vulnerable, open, and connected.
  

• Obligation is easily offended when not appreciated, often laced with comments like: "You know I didn't have to ..." or "You better be glad I..." Love doesn't require such recognition. It finds a warm and fuzzy comfort in merely performing an act of kindness and feels thankful to be able to do such...expecting nothing in return.

Obligatory actions callous personalities. Take extra precaution around people who are kind to you for the wrong reason. In times of tension, they usually won't hesitate to inform you of all the times they helped you...why...because obligation keeps a record of it's good deeds, but love covers even a multitude of sin and keeps no record of wrongdoing.

As for my grandmother, I can't shake a stick at her work. I'm not even sure they make'em like her anymore. She'd run a dozen circles around me within an hour. I can just see myself trying to master yesterday's breakfast while she's already preparing tomorrow's dinner. I could just see my score on the neon scoreboard reading something like "INADEQUATE," "FAILED," or better yet, "YOU LOSE." But I think of the inkling of bitterness that I heard in her voice every now and then, and the piercing glare that she gave my grandfather some days, and a union seemingly void of emotion and affection, I can't help but wonder if she was anchored by love or chained by duty.

What's my point? Monitor your heart. See what's driving you. Love will make you do, but doing doesn't mean that you love. Love carries the sentiment of obligation and commitment, but obligation and commitment doesn't necessarily equate love. Again monitor your heart.